August 13, 2010

[Portion of a letter sent to a friend suffering what I am calling the 'anxiety of absence.']

"Chris was not always a saint. He was, in fact, once so cutting and cold that I walked away from him, quite literally. I did not look back.

[Back to the cancer....]
After two years of fighting, by the time I gave up and in, I was so weak I was not sure I would survive the cure. This was followed by five months of visiting nurses--- one in the morning, one in the evening, it was during this time, waiting for this nurse or that to come, that I decided I had better find Chris again. If I waited for him to come looking for me, I reasoned, I might not be there to be found. Still, in those burgeoning days (of the internet) things were not so easy, and it took me a LONG time to find him.

I was very fortunate.
He was very fortunate.
Timing was everything.
I can easily imagine that had I found him at another time, it would have not had the happy ending that it had.

I also, from this vantage point, can imagine that there weren't many reconciliations left "in him" ---our's took a LOT of energy; energy we both more than gladly relinquished, but I cannot ignore the the demands it made on both of us.

What I am trying to say is elusive......but, looking back, I can see that there are always limits to what is possible. Chris and I were reconciled at just the right time. Once so, one of my first thoughts was 'if I get sick again, I will hurt him' --- believe me , it was not long before I realized that THAT was not the way it would go. I knew, I KNEW it would end this way. And I did my best to take care of him...to take care of him for all the people I knew who loved him, because I loved him, and because I was the one who COULD. If you can look at it from afar--- if you can look at it from above--- if you can look at it from the CLOUDS--- the look of it is the same. What I did for him I did for everyone. The love we shared was the love he had for all. As such, he was reconciled to everyone.

Look at it, therefore, from the clouds, and be, yourself, reconciled.

~C"