August 7, 2010

Birthday Letter to Chris

My Darling Friend,

What if I never met YOU? How dark so many hours would have been! In your room, I found a card I had written that said my heart was so full now, having found you, that it hardly fit anywhere. Losing you leaves me with the same thought. There’s no space big enough to contain my grief, and no where to go that yields the sense of belonging I knew when we were together.

This date marks not only your birth, but our reunion after a silence that lasted far too long. Your words, written after that day, will comfort me always. I thank you for writing them and I thank heaven I have them now and always:

From: Chris

To: CMC

Sent: Thu, Aug 8, 2002 6:59 pm

…yesterday was for me the only reunion of its kind. there have been other reunions--some easy, some quite uncomfortable. but yesterday, sitting with you and feeling both like i have not felt in many years and better than that for the experience of reunion after all--after it all--does not for me have an equal.

me disappointed about yesterday? you bet i was...because the sun set, the meal ended, and the taxi sped away and once again the struggle to believe was on...and my hand on the closing taxi door could not help but feel like a living metaphor. but in all, you are right here and that is the thing of importance. and that puts disappointment in its place. still, i must protest one thing: the pleasure was not entirely yours.

"what is it about this pair of us?" you ask. i ask. the answer is for me the holiest mystery of this, and each word of attempting to understand it sacramental. there is much to be said for these visible signs of grace, and much more for such moments of cosmic lenity as we were glad to walk in yesterday.

and now, i'm off to the river....

love,

chris

So, my dear, I am off to the river, too,… to sit on our bench as we did on this date, and as we did so often thereafter. I will sit there alone for the first time, and think of the days you would tell me you had gone there when I was at work or far away. I hope that I can say, as you once did, that “those bench experiences are so strong that i don't need you there to understand and benefit from the power of our friendship.” I will think of the thirty years our friendship spanned, and all the places we sat together, laughed together, cried together, walked together, prayed together and talked together. I suspect I will fail. I won’t have your grace in solitude. I will wish you were there with me. I wish it now.

All Love,

Always,

C